


i don’t know what to do, it’s not like i get to choose

by strawberryfire



Category: Stranger Things (TV 2016)
Genre: F/F, Fuck Mike Wheeler, Max is gay, TW: Panic Attacks, elmax - Freeform, fuck mileven, gays only event
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-07
Updated: 2019-08-07
Packaged: 2020-08-11 10:55:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,920
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20152471
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/strawberryfire/pseuds/strawberryfire
Summary: “can i even look at her like that? she means everything to me. she feels like autumn, a fresh cup of apple cider. she feels like a fire on a snowy day but to her i feel like nothing at all.”





	i don’t know what to do, it’s not like i get to choose

**Author's Note:**

> gays only. 
> 
> songs:   
she by dodie   
girls by girl in red

summer came and went. i’m glad it did. i almost lost my brother and since then we had grown closer. he became best friends with steve and i always thought billy wanted a little more than just friends, but that was just for me to know. billy had also become very close with robin buckley. she was steve’s friend and she was really cool.

lately i had been hanging out with the three of them. i didn’t feel like being with lucas. i didn’t feel like hanging out with the party at all, really. because if i did, el would be there. el, with my green scrunchie in her hair. with her flannel and overalls. el, cuddled up to mike, without a clue.

she’s just so nice to look at. she’s so peaceful and happy and sweet.

i have polaroids of us taped on the back of my bedroom door. i look at them every single day when i leave my room. and it aches. it’s aching pain in my chest because when lucas kisses me i don’t feel a damn thing but if el even glances at me i feel like i’m on a cloud.

but admiring from the distance is what i have to settle with because even when she lay next to me with her head on my shoulder and i told her about wonder woman and she looked up at me with her doe eyes, i felt as if we couldn’t be more far apart.

and i think, can i even look at her like that? can i even think of her this way? i honestly don’t know.

i dont know and but what i do know is this ache in my chest is suffocating me. i’m ice cold and she’s the only one who could warm me up.

-

it was a cold day in december and we were at steve’s house. he had a fire going and hot coco on the table. billy was sitting on the couch, robin laying beside him as they watched some shitty christmas slasher movie.

“max! come play d&d with us!” will called from downstairs.

“i’ll come down in a minuteee!” i call back, staring at the marshmallows melting in my cup.

steve sits down next to billy, “this movie is so bad.”

“i know.” billy laughs.

could i tell him? maybe. i trust him. a lot more than i used to.

i see el. she’s coming up the stairs from the basement.

“steve, can i have more marshmallows?” she asks. my scrunchie is on her wrist. she’s wearing her flannel and it’s tucked into the blue jeans i helped her pick out at macy’s.

“of course, kid. just don’t eat too much, you’ll get sick.” he says.

“i wonttt.” she grabs the bag, “cmon, max, please? we can’t play d&d without you.”

“i’ll be there a minute, i promise.”

“promise on the flayer?”

this was her thing now, she would say promise on fill in the blank. sometimes it was the flayer, then eggos, then ice cream. it changed day to day.

“i promise on the flayer.”

she grins, “good.” then skips back downstairs with the marshmallow bag in hand.

i set my mug down and hug my knees to my chest and i sniffed the hoodie i was wearing, which was hers.

it was grey, and it said hawkins high in green on it. she made hopper get it for her, saying she wanted to “be cool like max!”

i close my eyes and it smells just like her. sweet and peachy, with bits of cigarette smoke from hopper’s bad habit. i put the hood up and take in the warmth of what i wish was her in my arms.

i shouldn’t think like this, i can’t. she couldn’t understand and to be frank, i don’t really get it either.

“max? are you okay?” i hear billy ask.

i lift my head up. billy, robin and steve are all looking at me like concerned parents.

“yeah. fine. why?”

“bullshit.” he pauses the movie, “whats up?”

i just look at him and blink. what in the fuck am i supposed to say? i think i’m in love with my best friend and i don’t think i’m supposed to do that?

i look at robin and it’s like she knows.

“y’know, max…” she moves to sit beside me. “i can totally tell what your predicament is.”

“oh?”

“yeah. and i know it’s soul crushing isn’t it?”

yeah, it fucking is and i can’t stand it.

“i don’t what you’re talking about.” is what i say instead.

billy and steve don’t seem to either.

“oh cmon, yes you do. i see the way you look at her.”

i put my head down and tie the hoodie.

“max,” she gently lifts my head up. “talk to us.”

i hear the party laughing and joking downstairs. i hear her laugh over everything.

“we won’t judge.” billy says, “you’re my sister and i’ll love ya no matter what, little shit.”

i smile a little, “thanks.”

he nods and smiles back.

“i just…” i look at robin and i feel tears welling up in my eyes, “c-can i even look at her like that? she’s so p-pretty and she means everything to me. s-she feels like autumn, a fresh cup of apple cider. she feels like a fire on a snowy day but to her i…i f-feel like n-nothing at all. and even w-when she’s n-next to me, right next t-to me and i’m r-reading her wonder woman, she f-feels a m-million miles away and i hate it!”

i put my head in my hands and let the dam break.

“oh max…” robin pulls me close and i’m crying. i’m crying hard and it won’t stop.

billy sits beside me and wraps his arm around my shoulder.

“hey max, wanna know something?” he says softly.

“what?” i squeak through my tears.

“i liked a boy once, and yknow i still do. i used to think that i was gross and it was wrong…but it’s not, max.”

i look up at him and he wipes away my tears.

“and el…she doesn’t understand. she doesn’t really know what love is, her version of love is mike wheeler and if you ask me, that’s pretty tragic.”

i giggle a little and nod, “y-yeah, it is.”

“let your heart be broken, but not this way. tell her. pour your heart out because it’s so much better than shoving it all down and pushing yourself away, right?”

“r-right.” his is right. but i don’t want to tell her. “b-but what if t-the ache feels normal and   
y-you’ve gotten used t-to it pressing on your c-chest and y-you can’t help but w-wanting to cry every t-time you see that person l-loving someone else?”

“you ignore the ache. you tell the ache to go fuck itself and you kick your heart to the curb.  
i mean cmon, if anything she’s missing out. you’re the whole damn package.”

i laugh and sniff, “b-billy shut uuup.”

“what? i’m just tellin the truth. she could seriously do so much better than that wheeler kid. you know El better than anyone, max.”

i shakily sigh, “y-yeah…i guess…”

“you know her favorite comics, how many marshmallows she likes in her coco, her favorite movie, her favorite perfume.”

“i-it’s s-sunflowers. elizabeth a-arden.”

billy laughs, “damn. you are whipped.”

i hit his arm, “shut uuup! she could hear you, billy.”

“good, i hope she does. i could scream it right now.”

i tear up again and my heart starts pounding, “n-no. no no d-don’t!”

his expression changed, “hey, hey, i won’t. i promise.”

suddenly i can’t breathe and i’m shaking. billy holds me to his chest, trying to calm me down but i can’t breathe.

i hear footsteps up the stairs, “move!”

billy gets off me and im sobbing through my desperate attempts to breathe.

el is front of me and she holds my hands, “max. max, breathe. focus on me and breathe.”

i hear more footsteps more people crowding around me and i can’t, i can’t, i can’t, i can’t.

“back off!” el scolds the boys and i’ve never heard her so angry but is she even angry? i can’t tell. i’m dizzy, i can’t see, i can’t fucking breathe and then it’s dark.   
–  
“max?” i hear a soft and gentle voice say.

i slowly open my eyes and i’m laying down on a couch.

i’m in steve harrington’s houses and i’m on his really fancy and comfy couch.

el’s pretty face is what i see. her worried brown eyes and her soft brown hair.

“what happened?” i mumble, sitting up.

“you had a panic attack.” she says.

i see billy and the others looking at me worried.

“c…can you guys…leave for a sec?” i whisper.

“yes, of course.” steve goes into another room with everyone else.

it’s just el and i.

“you worried me sick, maxy.” el gently moves my hair off my shoulder.

“s-sorry…”

i feel so heavy and exhausted. i feel like i might weigh a million pounds.

el puts her hand on my cheek and i just melt.

her touch is soft and caring.

after a few minutes of making sure i’ve calmed down, she giggles softly.

“what?”

“i dumped his ass, max.”

my eyes widen and i swallow, hard. “w-what?”

“mike. well, not really. we had a talk. i was gettin kinda tired of will lookin at him like a lovesick puppy with no home.” el giggles again.

(we all knew will was gay even though he never told us, but it would be rude to call him out and so we were patiently waiting for him to tell us)

“and also…i think i like someone else now. i didn’t know you could do that, yknow? like someone then you don’t like them.”

my breathing finally goes back to normal and i’m completely calm, “yeah, you can.”

i just laugh to myself because i know damn well billy and robin have their ear against the wall, trying to hear us.

“they’re really pretty.” el smiles, “and funny. they’re kinda a nerd but so am i. and they’re so, so nice.”

“they sound lovely, el.”

she looks at me and laughs.

wait. is she talking about…me?

“her name is max. she’s a really good skateboarder and she’s a badass. i love her hair, it’s so soft and her eyes are just the prettiest.”

“you’re so pretty it hurts.” i blurt out.

she giggles softly, “as are you, max.”

then she kisses me. and i kiss back. she tastes like chocolate and strawberries.

she slowly pulls away and smiles, “no need to hide, max. i promise.”

i tear up again and she kisses my cheeks, “no, no crying.”

“i-it’s happy tears.” i say, giggling a little.

“good.” she giggles then lays on my chest and for the first time in a million months, it’s not aching.

i’m breathing and she’s breathing with me and it doesn’t hurt. she’s closing her eyes, head on my shoulder.

“lets get some rest, maxy. i know you’re tired.” she says softly.

“okay...you won’t leave?”

“no, i could never.” she kisses my cheek again, “sweet dreams.”

and she falls asleep, snuggled close to me.

billy walks in with happy tears in his eyes too. he puts a blanket over us and kisses my forehead, “sleep well.” he whispers.

and for the first time in a million months, i do.


End file.
